Monday, January 24, 2011
Leaving the Bedroom: How the 21st Century & KStew Changed Fangirling
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a fangirl participating in fangirl activities. Prior to the internet, these fandoms to which I belonged were largely imaginary. For example when I was 8, I joined the Baby Sitters Club where for a monthly fee, you’d receive some books in the series, postcards, stickers, a template to start your own club… you get the idea. When I was 10, I had pin-ups of the Beverly Hills 90210 cast on my bedroom ceiling. I loved watching the show but beyond that I wanted to experience that feeling I got from watching the show outside of the weekly viewing hour. I couldn’t at all intellectualize why that was (I was ten) but I knew I wanted it as it gave me a kind of satisfaction I couldn’t articulate and I liked that feeling. I would do these things for me and I was left to assume there were other girls somewhere out there doing these things too even though I never saw evidence of them. It was a bizarrely paradoxical experience – to be a part of something definitively communal but have it manifest as something completely private and personal to me.
The advent of the internet changed all that. Beyond comprehension. It was a bizarre move from physical effects and fangirl paraphernalia, to message boards and online communities. The experience was totally redefined, and for a natural introvert the move from the privacy of my bedroom to a public forum was somewhat daunting. I lurked for a long time in my various fandoms. And by long time, I mean years. Not that I was a passive fangirl. You can’t be a passive fangirl – it’s by definition an active mode of being. I found every forum, read every thread and still very actively pursued the supplementals: magazines, movies, unauthorized guides and companions. I certainly didn’t need the internet to help me become a fangirl, but it inarguably shaped my experience as one.
Cut to the fall of 2009 when to promote New Moon, Kristen Stewart was on the cover of Allure magazine. I was relatively new to the Rob/Kristen fandom, but appreciation of all things Kristen had already worked its way into my blood. As soon as I could, I left work, booked it to a news stand and secured her cover issue to devour at my desk. Some co-workers mocked me a bit but I didn’t care. Later that night, I typed-up the whole interview for a friend who couldn’t get the mag herself. She was surprised I made the effort, but for me it was merely the latest investment of time and energy in a long history of them. I was a fangirl and this is what I did.
The satisfaction and catharsis in sharing these moments with other women is how and why fandoms sustain themselves. It is more fun to squee with someone else over new pictures in a magazine, or a new movie starring your favorite actress. But to be honest: I still do these things for me. I was happy to go see Eclipse on opening day with other people, but I would have been just as happy to go see it by myself. I think because to an extent, I still conceive of fandom as imaginary or ephemeral. I know that there are women out there that are doing the same thing I am, and I’m participating in something even if I’m not overtly sharing it. It doesn’t matter whether one person knows I’m killing a Saturday afternoon watching The Cake Eaters (which I own, natch), or 5 people, or 100, or nobody. Conceptually, it’s still an act of participation. If a woman fangirls in her home and no one is there to see it, it’s still fangirling. And I felt that way for a long, long time.
Then Twitter, for better and worse, changed all that.
Two weeks ago, I found myself driving south in search of Kristen’s cover issue of Vogue. I learned where it was available via Twitter, of course, and without a second thought mentally committed to the time and distance necessary to purchase it. Not wanting to spend an hour in the car (both ways), I tried alternatives. As soon as the Twitpic of her cover showed-up, I called 8 bookstores in a variety of directions trying to track down the new issue. No success. Once I was on the road, I stopped at several grocery stores and drugstores on my way south hoping to shorten my trek but still no dice. After my second stop, I saw a tweet that said there was no interview accompanying the pictures, and it was at that point that I seriously considered turning around and waiting. No interview?! Kristen is a gorgeous girl and new photos are always welcome, but new interviews are a thing to be coveted. But I didn’t give up and turn around, mainly because of Twitter.
These things that I used to do privately or with the knowledge of a few, are now wholly expressed and recorded in real-time via the ever-updating documentary that is Twitter. It’s the news crawl over the fandom. And once you place yourself in the public narrative, it’s all but impossible to pull away. We literally write the story that Twitter tells of how this fandom functions (or dysfunctions as the case may be) but Twitter influences our individual narratives as well. In the private sanctum of my fangirl heart, I wanted the magazine ASAP for the basic reason I always have. But to my surprise that desire was being superseded by the very public story I’d begun to tell (via tweets regarding my attempt to get the magazine), and I felt an obligation to conclude that story one way or the other.
Once I had the magazine and was poring over it in my car, I was happy I’d made the trek to that one Albertson’s in Redondo Beach, because there was actually an interview and a phenomenal one at that. You can tell that Kristen likes words by the ones she chooses to express herself. I don’t care how many ‘likes’ or ‘fucks’ or ‘dudes’ are found in a given quote, as they are offset by multiple descriptive adverbs, run-on sentences purporting many ideas at once, by the regular appearance of SAT vocab words always used correctly, and her discernible focus to convey a thought in the best way possible. This compulsion trips her up sometimes but it also consistently yields these moments of honesty and acutely articulate self-awareness beyond her years. She is an interesting speaker always, both in what she has to say and the way that she says it. A new interview is pretty much the brass ring for cerebral Kristen fangirls and the one she gave to Vogue was no exception.
As I drove back home, ruminating on her consideration of fandom and our small but active role in it, I realized that maybe my recent commitment to public fangirling is not without cause. In general, I have found reward in being a part of a fandom narrative but as evidenced by the wit and eloquence exhibited in myriad blog posts about her by myriad authors, Kristen’s narrative in particular is worth being a part of. Not only does she inspire devotion, but the intelligent women that have picked-up her story to serve as palimpsests of their own inspire an admiration. If this is the company I keep, then not only am I not ashamed to call myself a fangirl (a moniker I’ve never shied away from because I know what it means to me regardless of what it means to others), but I feel a kind of pride in being a participant of this fandom, at this moment, contributing to this story.
Baby Sitter’s Club pic by incredulouskristy.tumblr.com
I love this post. Very well said. In particular, I was struck by this passage “I don’t care how many ‘likes’ or ‘fucks’ or ‘dudes’ are found in a given quote, as they are offset by multiple descriptive adverbs, run-on sentences purporting many ideas at once, by the regular appearance of SAT vocab words always used correctly, and her discernible focus to convey a thought in the best way possible.” I feel the same way, exactly.
I share your opinion on “fangirling”. Thank you for this lovely bit.
Bravo! I concur.
I love being a fangirl, and it’s usually something I try to hide or keep discreet and secretive. If I let someone know that I’m a fan, that’s about all that I let them know. No details or tales of just how much I love something or someone. And for the most part, I try to just keep people thinking that I like something/someone, and not knowing that I’m really into it/them. But I don’t think I’m going to do that anymore. I think I’m going to be a little more bold and a little more brave when it comes to expressing what I care about. Thanks for writing this. From one fangirl, to another.
I think we are fangirl soulmates. Seriously. It is scary how similar our life long fangirl experiences are.
I am completely stunned by the sheer eloquence and beauty of this essay. I also was struck by the same passage as highlighted by @edmett above. Also impacting is the following statement: “This compulsion trips her up sometimes but it also consistently yields these moments of honesty and acutely articulate self-awareness beyond her years”. Kristen’s self-awareness is unparalleled, which is just one of the many reasons I find her so absolutely compelling. Yes, I was a Babysitters Club member, and I also had pictures of the 90210 cast up on my walls. It’s an entirely different ballgame altogether to be apart of the Kristen/Rob fandom. Following/supporting Kristen and Rob only became a prevalence in my life in the summer of 08, but my involvement in this fandom has had a profound effect on me. I didn’t really desire to be apart of the Twitter movement, but now that I am, I am confounded, like you, M, by the outrageously intelligent, brilliant and creative company in which I find myself. It’s an honor. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal piece of yourself with us. Just one more indicator of Kristen’s power: she encourages yet another gifted voice to emerge. In gratitude, KJ
OMG I’m fangirling over this post! I feel exactly the same way. My husband finally had to read my timeline to make sure I wasn’t the only one freaking when we found out that she was indeed on the cover. And on Golden Globe night he watched in awe of my timeline going faster than movie credits as we all fangirled over tuxrob. Its nice to part of this fandom! And although there are times when there is hate, the love makes up for all of it! Great job on the post!!
Love the post!! I can totally relate. I too was a HUGE Babysitters Club fan and an even bigger Sweet Valley High fan girl. In later years, I moved onto Lost and all the craziness associated with it. You can definitely get swept up in it! But ‘Twilight’ for me, has been the first time where I’ve actually made friends, held conversations, and easily satisfied my fan cravings. Can’t wait to read your next post. <3 RL
Love it! I can totes relate to this too! lol I was once a Duran Duran girl, and then moved on to Lost, Twilight, and now Rob & Stew. Once a fangirl, always a fangirl.
Great post! I love being a fangirl and apart of this fandom and I too was part of the 90210 fandom. (I still have my trapper keeper with Dylan on it)!
Excellent post! I loved the musings on the concept of “fangirling” and that sense of belonging to and participating in something bigger than just yourself. But, like you, I fangirl because it’s something that’s become important to me. Like you, I’m just as happy sharing my fangirl moments with like-minded others as I am experiencing them on my own (New Moon alone was better than New Moon at midnight, for the record). But it was these words that really spoke to me:
“Not only does she inspire devotion, but the intelligent women that have picked-up her story to serve as palimpsests of their own inspire an admiration. If this is the company I keep, then not only am I not ashamed to call myself a fangirl (a moniker I’ve never shied away from because I know what it means to me regardless of what it means to others), but I feel a kind of pride in being a participant of this fandom, at this moment, contributing to this story.”
Thanks for a fabulous commentary so many of us can feel proud of.
xo ~DD
Very smart post. I totally relate, being a lifelong fan girl myself. I was into Babysitters Club myself, moved onto Sweet Valley High and numerous other things. Twenty years later, I found Twilight and have yet to leave that realm. Some people think it’s silly but there’s more to it than just the books. You fall for the story, then the actors then you stick around for the wonderful people you meet in the fandom. Nothing beats fangirling with people you love
“She is an interesting speaker always, both in what she has to say and the way that she says it.”
This is what I love about Kristen. If I have half of the presence of mind that she has at 20 when I turn 30 I will be a happy woman. Great, great article.
I LOVE THIS POST! And yeah, I’m happy being a fangirl, too. All of these fangirls are amazing. I mean, they are from all WORLD! It’s so cool to see that so many people love Kristen (and Rob) everywhere!
Leonie from Germany:)
Dear M,
This post has lured me out of a 2-year-long stay in lurkdom in order to claim you as the company I keep in my active admiration of Kristen Stewart. Your thoughts on the public and private aspects of fangirling are fascinating and, I think, capture something important about the way the world has changed in our lifetimes. (I say “our” having myself been a Babysitters’ Club fan. So many of us here, it seems!)
I wonder if you, being the talented writer and thoughtful thinker you clearly are, have any thoughts about the thing that really cemented my interest in Robsten: That is, that the way they perform gender seems, in my opinion, to be an inversion of our conventional expectations for a heterosexual relationship? Stew’s athleticism and almost “butch” mannerisms combined with Rob’s tendency to wear his emotions on his sleeve and have the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea struck me as the most endearing combination. I just think it’s so cool to see two people who really do seem to fit together like puzzle pieces–but to have the shapes of those pieces be the opposite of what our society has told us we should expect of straight men and women. Does that make any sense? Did this strike anybody else? It just seemed really special to me when I discovered Robsten 2 years ago and is one of the big things that has kept me invested in the fandom.